If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
