Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
