i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
