Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
