I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
