That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
