Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
