we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
