u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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