you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
