I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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