The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
