A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
