Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
