she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
