this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
