im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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