I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
