So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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