it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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