he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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