I want to make a zoo with you.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
