Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
