Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
wat bout pragnant strippers??
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
