The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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