I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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