I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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