went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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