I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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