im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
