she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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