1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
