Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
