A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
