How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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