she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
