Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
