Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We named our party play list daddy issues
that's an acceptable place to lick
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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