Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
