You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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