Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
