God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
