We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
