The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
