i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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