lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
