My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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