My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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