end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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