Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
