Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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