a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
