I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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