Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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